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Until It's Beautiful

by Everything in Pen

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    full lyrics and liner notes, with artwork by Chris Koehler

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1.
You know it takes all my strength Not to fall to the floor To wait till the sun goes down When everyone can fall somehow It’s nothing personal This fortress I’ve made Just a sheet on a table, dear So easily cleared away And every morning’s a memory of a fairy tale Where everyone is ordinary Until it’s beautiful Maybe not quite so literal Listen closely but do not Do not Yes I remember when The givens stayed the same Imagination was the only thing missing It’s the only thing that I can have Until these words won’t make any sense Trace their shape until I don’t recognize it Until it’s beautiful Maybe not quite so literal Listen closely but do not mind
2.
Writ Large 04:35
Yes I understand where the impulse might come from When something this big hits You might just want some skywriting But I don’t No I don’t Writ large it has less meaning Writ large it loses feeling And I want all of this To register somewhere I can’t miss Cause what everybody feels but never says Is there’s enough space here to drown out everything We’ll need the narrow ruled paper Sharpened pencils to write our fate in There’s still edges If we want them For transgression When we want it Writ large it has less meaning Writ large it loses feeling And I want all of this To register somewhere I can’t miss Cause it’s unreasonable to know how we get there But is it possible to say the end is clear We’ll take the grammar that we’ve expected Bend it slowly in our fashion Semicolons to build connection Oxford commas for clarification Writ large it has less meaning Writ large it loses feeling And I want all of this To register somewhere I can’t miss
3.
I don’t want to be the ambitious one Chasing after every rabbit that I stumble on You think I might be that naïve But I don’t want to lose all my hope in this Drown in logical objectives that are infinite You think I might be that naïve Only believe in what I see See it’s a long way down I don’t want to be the ambitious one Shed my sorrow like an oyster Collect all I’ve found You think my head is in the sand I don’t need to be your idea of fun Running after everywhere for someplace you belong You think my head is in the sand You want to see all you command See it’s a long way down
4.
Happy Ending 03:43
Old friends late night Same face new light I’ve been there too Where it’s not our fault Laugh and get caught up That’s why they say unconditional This is the happy ending Nobody’s telling you what part You know that every prince has dragons yet to slay Every picket fence has to get made Flowers heartstrings What of these things They might be for anyone Twilight Austen Those are nice thoughts But I won’t put my faith in them This is the happy ending Nobody’s telling you what part You know that every prince has dragons yet to slay Every picket fence has to get made
5.
This feeling is one part rapture This feeling is one part free Innocence has no part in this Once you understand how easy recklessness can be Then leaving is one part rapture Leaving is one part free Innocence has no part in this Once you understand how easy recklessness can be How they admire their steadfast lives Till the day hope goes out of stock How they admire their steadfast lives While my heart has one instruction left Run I know I’m not the first one Who looks at damage and calls it something else I’ve felt this tightness in my chest Now I’m gonna call it bliss Leaving is one part rapture Leaving is one part free Innocence has no part in this Once you understand how easy recklessness can be How they admire their steadfast lives Till the day hope goes out of stock How they admire their steadfast lives While my heart has one instruction left Run
6.
It seems there were lies I was told they were true I was told they were facts I was told to recite them And write them all down in five paragraphs If I could And when I was young I was told to be proud of the place we came from Cause we founded it We found it I never quite knew what that meant and I’m less sure now And if the victors get all the words Isn’t that what I’m doing now It must be somebody’s else’s turn But I find that I’m not done Where I come from we all know everyone It’s a lie that we tell It protects us, deflects us Cause if we don’t know who you are Then you don’t belong When I’m in the street sometimes I hear my name And I think I’ve forgotten Though I’ve never met them As if I were something to say Though I am rarely there And if the victors get all the words Isn’t that what I’m doing now It must be somebody else’s turn But I find that I’m not done It seems there were lies But I took them as true I rejected the facts I accepted the story That there wasn’t anyone else In our City on the Hill.
7.
I don’t wanna be a type Don’t wanna be a picture in a frame I don’t wanna be the life that you imagined When you were still a kid There’s nothing wrong with dreaming But I don’t fit You let go so well that it’s like I don’t exist And your friends keep telling me You look so happy together But I know I’ve got nothing that he needs And your friends keep asking me How come you’re not together But I know I’ve got nothing that he needs And he’s moved past the place where happy even matters Where happy is a question you can ask And he won’t see me So he never has to answer for this I don’t wanna be a type Don’t wanna be a picture in a frame I don’t wanna be the person behind the person behind the name There’s nothing wrong with dreaming But I don’t fit You let go so well that it’s like I don’t exist
8.
Former Mr. Snuffleupagus I see you walking down the street I imagine you’re in Brooklyn Though I don’t know why that is Former Mr. Snuffleupagus Is it sunny where you live Then perhaps you’re in Los Angeles But I don’t see you happy there And I wonder if you’ve ever shed your skin Cause I’m questioning whose I’m living in Former Mr. Snuffleupagus You’re a degree or two removed Playing someone who’s invisible In a costume Who can tell If you ever had a sick day Does the back become the front Are there scores of understudies waiting for this time to come Still I wonder if you’ve ever shed your skin Cause I’m questioning whose I’m living in Former Mr. Snuffleupagus Are those the first words you say When they ask you for credentials To legitimize your pay Former Mr. Snuffleupagus I bet the getup got you down They had to fan you between takes through your mouth It got so hot Still I wonder if you ever shed your skin Cause I’m questioning whose I’m living in Former Mr. Snuffleupagus Who are you now?
9.
It’s the witching hour time of year I know to stay inside I should not go out there Where I’m far too likely to become Somehow entwined with any one of you Who should not be on my mind I can’t be trusted You know this game So you’ll wait it out Let curiosity follow a calendar Did I see something you once saw Some moment we once had Is this your part of town However I got here I won’t get out When all the days are like before When every moment’s circular When the heart is uninvolved When peripheries dissolve Still the body holds anniversaries So let me lose all track of time Don’t watch the flowers die Don’t watch the fall arrive Do not feel the fog roll in down to my bones My pulse is quickening No telling what I’ll do if I stay this alone In the witching hour
10.
Well I don’t understand the problem Cause we worked so hard to draw all of the lines Like when he tells me it’s forever I know to hear that I will keep this little secret again tonight But he thinks we’ve issues worth exploring He thinks it might take some time Cause whatever I want to do That’s what he wants to do Everybody wins So when are you coming over My codependent lover Everybody wins But he’s been making things more complicated Than I ever wanted any of this to be And anyway he’s always telling me The only thing he wants to know is just exactly how I feel I feel we’ve issues worth exploring I think it might take some time Cause whatever I want to do That’s what he wants to do Everybody wins So when are you coming My codependent lover Everybody wins So I don’t ever worry what he’s thinking Cause he’s thinking I wonder what she is thinking I don’t ever worry what he’s wanting Cause he’s wanting me And whatever I am into That’s what he is into Everybody wins So when are you coming over My codependent lover Everybody wins
11.
I don’t want to carry a gun Don’t want to have to know how to use one I don’t want to learn how to hurt you To keep you from hurting me more Last thing I knew You said you’d get me home Now I am responsible for the fear you caused Person after person tries to say They didn't realize that it was wrong To shame and to humiliate, to slander, to broadcast To ignore Wasn’t it you who said you’d get me home Now I am responsible but the choice was yours And I’m less sure Of anyone, of everyone Play the memory back I’m not afraid Play the memory back I’m not afraid Play the memory back I’m not afraid Find me the darkest place I want the wildest place Give me the hardest place Make a blanket of sticks and leaves Rest my back up against this tree Leave the traces they still won’t find me Leave the traces they still won’t find me Where the streetlights won’t make a sound The periphery stays unknown Where the rumors cannot be true Where the rumors cannot be Play the memory back I’m not afraid Play the memory back I’m not afraid Play the memory back I’m not afraid Find me the darkest place I want the wildest place Give me the hardest place

credits

released September 2, 2015

All songs by Elizabeth Hubbard

Elizabeth Hubbard: vocals, acoustic guitar, piano, keys, bass, percussion
Alexi Glickman: electric guitar, bass, piano, keys, drums, backup vocals

Produced by Alexi Glickman
Recorded at Magic West, Mill Valley
Mastered by Kenny Woods

Album Art and Design by Chris Koehler


Everything in Pen thanks
Alexi
Vernon, Chris
Sarah
Adrian, Ariana, Catherine, Claire, Drew
Mom, Dad and the Hubbard Archambault family
Mike, Ronen, Denise, Marlowe, Lynn & Herb, Karen Nelson, Lori & Adam, Erin, Alegria, Stevon, Ko, Jane Austen, Jeffrey Eugenides, John Irving, Barbara Kingsolver, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Howard Zinn, public libraries, late night bookstores, Baker Beach

for Hazel who knows the sound of everything

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Everything in Pen San Francisco

Combining the pop sensibility of Big Star and narrative observations of Jonathan Richman and Aimee Mann, Everything in Pen’s songs cover many topics---war criminals, sexism, and Dave Eggers--through her unique lens as an obsessive reader. She sings the things you won’t say aloud, of the foolishness, the hopefulness and the almost unbearable humanness of us all. ... more

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